TROLL

I'm a troll today.

I'm tired because I stayed up late rearranging my class schedule for next semester.  Not to mention I sold my blood plasma for grocery money yesterday and I learned that minor blood loss + minimal sleep = a tired Chelsea that feels like crap.

Also, I've got a nasty case of PMS and if that statement makes you feel awkward, deal with it.  I'm an awkward person.  That's why I have this blog, remember???

AND my cute pants ripped at Walmart the other day so I was forced to wear my ugly pants today...don't judge.  Everyone has a pair of ugly pants and are forced to wear them from time to time.

But those aren't the only reasons I'm a troll today...the worst part of my day happened in Psychology.  Let me give you a general idea of what my Psych class is like.  It has about 200 freshmen in it who absolutely don't care about learning anything, being quiet, or even being generally nice people for that matter.  My professor doesn't really go deeper than surface level with any of the topics we cover, yet tests us on the most detailed basis ever.  All of the test questions are about very abstract applications of concepts and often have multiple right answers.  It's a nightmare.

So I had a test today in this torture chamber they call Intro to Psych and I wasn't too worried about it to begin with.  I had studied, I felt like I really understood the concepts, and I've been doing very well in this class all semester.  So I walk in hoping to just find a seat, sit down, and get ready to conquer this test.  But do I get to do that? NO.  I walk into the lecture hall and it looks like this:

Absolutely none of the seats in the middles of the rows have been taken.  What is up with that???  Either everyone has a really weird obsession with the end seats or they have all collectively decided those middle seats were venomous.  This is a phenomenon I really don't understand...I mean I personally don't care whether I'm sitting on the end or in the middle, why on earth does everybody else?  A seat is a seat is a seat is a seat!  I mean really, isn't it common courtesy to NOT do obnoxious things like block up the whole row of seats with all of your millions of backpacks, purses, jackets, and long boards and then get all mad when people have to climb over you?

Oh sorry, obnoxious stranger, don't mind me, I'm just trying to climb your mountain of crap so I can find a seat and take this test like a normal person.

So I awkwardly crawl over some guy, and pick a seat in the middle of the row so no one has to crawl over me after crawling over the first guy.  See? I'm a decent human being who understands basic concepts like not forcing people to crawl on you.  As more and more people begin to file in, the room gets louder and louder.  And then it's like it's suddenly become this major competition to see who can talk the loudest and EVERYBODY'S WINNING.

 Then this girl comes and sits right next to me and she's totally...you know the type.  With expensive clothes, strong perfume, upturned nose, and the lip gloss? Yeah, that kind....but it's no big deal, I don't care if she sits next to me.  As long as she doesn't start talking to me, I'll be fine.  And of course, as soon as that thought crosses my mind, she turns to me and asks me to move down a seat.  I don't really fully understand why she wanted me to do that, I mean she had two friends waiting to sit by her but she also had two empty seats on the other side of her.  But whatever, I oblige because it's not evil to ask someone to move down a seat.  So I move over, and then this girl's two friends decide to take a seat on either side of her.


Now I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, waiting for the test to begin, and this chick's friend turns to me and asks tells me to move down an extra seat.  I really don't know what's going on now, they don't have anymore friends waiting to sit next to them, but even if they did this little club has an extra seat next to the guy on the other side. At this point, I've already gotten comfortable, I'm sick of all the people in the room and I DO NOT want to move.  But, being the nice-ish person I am, I get up and grudgingly move over a seat.  I figure maybe there are other people that are coming to sit with them but they just haven't shown up yet or something...but no!!! Nobody shows up for the rest of the class!

At first I get offended.  How dare they just barge in and make me move everything for them when I was there first?  Commence glaring.

It was no good.  Their special test bubble was impervious to my death lasers...

Then I start to get all self conscious and I wonder why they wouldn't want me to sit next to them.

And then I see this for what it really is, these people just think they're royals and they want to have their little exclusive clique and sit together in their own little private test-bubble.  JERKS!!! You're not the princesses of the world!!!  It's okay though...I got back at them by putting parasites on the seats right before they sat on them, so now they all have butt worms :) (I wish...)

And AS IF that weren't enough to turn me into a Crankypants PMS Chelsea Troll, the test turned out to be super impossible.  Nevertheless, I did my best and managed to finish before they kicked us out.  But then, when I'm leaving the building to go home, these two girls sitting on the bench outside suddenly turn and stare at me right when I walk out the door.  And they don't stop staring at me either.  They're the same type as the wannabe princesses inside, and they're both just staring at me with that condescending up-and-down look they give the lesser people.  And that's what I get for leaving the apartment.

So that's when I decided I was going to be a troll for the rest of the day.  I'm going to sit in my little troll room and be the troll of my bed with my hairy little troll legs and eat my troll mac n cheese and my troll chicken pot pies and not come out.  Ever!  (Except to watch Modern Family, that's worth emerging from my cave for)

That One Time at the Lake...

There are a lot of things in life I simply don't like (spiders, mornings, etc), but the things I truly loathe are few and far between.  One of those things is being dragged behind a boat.  I hate it. It's scary and dangerous and makes every muscle in my body scream for a week afterwards.

Let's be clear: it's not the boats.  It's not that I don't trust boats, or that I'm afraid of sinking, or that I don't like being in bodies of water too deep for me to touch the bottom of.  That's not the case at all!  I'm perfectly happy to be riding in the boat, but the instant someone tries to put me behind it and drag me around with nothing but a rope and a floaty thing and call it a sport, I'm done.  I've never had a good experience with it and I'm convinced I never will.  Water sports and I just simply aren't meant to be together.

Most of my experiences behind a boat have involved two things: inner tubes and concussions.  I'm sure the adults in my family don't mean to give the children head injuries, but somehow someone always ends up with one before we leave.

I go through the same cycle every time I go tubing with my family:

First, I get all excited and totally on-board with the idea of doing something fun with my cousins, ignoring completely the utter terror I felt the last time I decided to do this.

I get into the boat and smile a lot.

Then it's my turn to ride the tube of doom, and I start to feel uneasy

...but I keep that smile on my face the whole time

I position myself on the tube next to my cousins, and I immediately begin to break down.  My whole body starts shaking so much I'm pretty sure I won't be able to hang on at all

Then we start to go, and I begin to realize my uncle was lying when he told me we could "take it slow" and it would "be a fun ride"

I'm hanging on for dear life

We get whipped around all over the place and usually go airborne a few times

I let go...

The boat comes back for me and I crawl in vowing to never do that ever again

And then the next summer, I decide to do it again.  Something is wrong with me.

My Friends Think I'm Cool???

My friends say I've coined a new sound effect.  It's kind of like, "uyeahh?" with the "eahh" part going up like I'm asking a question.  You can't just read the letters either, you have to know it's sort of like a mix between a whimper, a whine, and a dry heave...

Here are some examples of when I normally use it:

When I have to talk to strangers

When my scooter randomly hits a crack in the sidewalk and decides to stop moving

When the bus suddenly lurches forward before I can manage to either find my balance or find a seat

This is me on the bus pretty much every day

When I meet another person on a narrow path and we're both trying to go opposite directions but we can't figure out how to get around one another and we sort of end up dancing

Or I'm talking to one friend and his girlfriend comes up when I'm in the middle of my sentence and then they're being all couple-y and cute and I don't know whether I should stand there awkwardly and wait or if I should just forget it and keep walking.  Then I decide to keep walking but suddenly his girlfriend acknowledges my existence and now I'm socially obligated to make conversation but I'm standing like 10 feet in front of them so I do this:

This is me scooting backwards because I'm too awkward to turn around like a normal human being

I call it my Awkward Noise, but to be honest, I don't really think I actually coined it.  I picked it up from my equally awkward boyfriend when we started dating and it just stuck.  Turns out it's just as contagious to our other friends because it tends to slip out of their mouths when they have awkward moments too.  One of my friends saw me today and told me it happened to him while he was on the bus and started going on and on about how I'm so hilarious and how he's going to think of me every time he makes that noise.  Then another one of my friends jumped in and started going on and on about how funny and cool I am.  I was all:

and the second friend started laughing about how I can be super funny just on the fly and I don't have to plan anything...It made me feel super happy :D (<---Super Happy Face) Thank goodness for great friends that think you're cool even when you're being a total freak!!!

Yeah! My First Post!

Today, I started a blog. I can now check that off my list of Stuff I Need to Do...

I've been thinking about starting one for a while but I've had no idea what I would blog about.  Then, the idea hit me a few days ago that I can totally blog about my life!  "But what about it?" I asked the universe, "I'm so ordinary...what could I possibly have to say about my life that other people would actually want to read about on the Internet?"  And the universe said, "Chelsea, you're not ordinary, you're actually a total weirdo with no social skills.  Write about your embarrassing stories."  

When I mentioned the idea to my friend, he said, "Chels, you're the furthest thing from ordinary.  You're so amazing and hilarious and anyone with a soul will love hearing about your amazing life :)  You should totally do it!"

Then I put it off for a few days, (if there's one thing you'll learn about me from reading this blog, it's that not only am I socially awkward, I'm also incredibly lazy) and then BAM! Today, while laying in my clean laundry I dumped all over the floor and feeling all depressed because I'm lame and don't do anything with my life, I just sat up and made the decision.  I'm going to start my blog. I'm gonna do it! No more hesitations, I'm just gonna do it! 

And that brings us to here. This moment.  Right now.  Are you ready, Internet?  Are you ready, World?  This is it...my life of awkwardness finally brought to life!!! <--- (First awkward sentence!)