The Creature

I'm 13 years old, blind as a bat, and terrified of tarantulas...*pause* When a story starts off like this, you know it's gonna be a good one. *Unpause*  So it's just an average night at the Christensen household, we all get home from wherever we were that day, eat, laugh, watch TV, and go to bed.  I brush my teeth, take out my contacts, and blindly make my way across the basement to get to my room. 

When I say blind, I really mean it.  I pretty much don't know what anything is if I don't wear contacts or glasses.  I can see blobs of color, but that's really all they are to me...during the day...it's a completely different world at night.  Night is dark, and everything has one color - black.  So when I take my contacts out in the dark, the world becomes a big black blob of mystery.  Anything could be hiding in there, just waiting to grab me.  Lucky for me, my mom is awesome and always had nightlights in all of the hallways, so I was never really wandering off into the dark abyss when I took my contacts out at night, I was just wandering across a dimly lit living room to my dimly lit bedroom.

So I walk to my room and crawl into bed and it feels awesome!  Have you ever had one of those moments?  When you're so exhausted from the day and crawling into bed just feels like heaven?  Yeah, it was one of those nights :) So I'm getting under the covers, feeling sleepy and happy and totally safe, and my bedspread is all twisted up at the foot of the bed.  So I shake it out, and suddenly, in the dim light of the nightlight from the hall, I see it.

It's a huge black blob of something the size of my fist, sitting there on my bed.  I stare at it for a millisecond, and try to inch closer to see what the thing is, when suddenly, it comes right at me!!!  Naturally I assume it's trying to kill me, so I shriek, throw the covers up over the creature to confuse it, leap off the bed and run out the door faster than a cheetah.

So I'm out the door, and it's probably safe for me to stop running, but I'm too freaked out and hyped up on adrenaline to even think about it, so I end up running all the way to the other end of the basement, through the living room, past the bathroom, through the office, and into the laundry room.  I know it's following me, so I climb up onto the washing machine knowing I'll be safe there...because everyone knows homicidal creatures the size of fists can't climb washing machines.  Duh.  Then, in my moment of safety, the adrenaline rush dies and all I'm left with is the realization that some mysterious creature has just taken my bed by force and I have nowhere to sleep tonight. So what do I do? I cry...because I have absolutely no idea what else to do.

So I sit and cry for a few minutes, then muster the strength to turn around and face my assailant.  I intend to look it in the eyes, and find a way to kill it.  I am going to take back what's rightfully mine!!!  I turn around and... come to find it's not even there.  It didn't follow me into the laundry room and wasn't snapping and snarling at me from the ground like I thought it would be.   So I jump off the washer and march out of that laundry room like a champ, because I've got a mission to accomplish.

I make it all the way to the living room before I chicken out.  Yup...I take one look at that bedroom and decide it's not worth it.  Everyone knows bed-stealing monster creatures are stronger at night, there's no way I would survive this battle.  So I grab a big blanket, lay down on the couch, and try to fall asleep going over my battle strategy for the next morning.  But I can't sleep.  I'm uncomfortable.  I roll around.  I'm too hot.  I take the blanket off.  I'm too cold.  I put the blanket back on.  I roll around some more.  I'm thinking about what kind of creature this really is...My best guess is that it's a tarantula.  Tarantulas live in basements, right?  Yeah.  Tarantulas are also the creepiest creatures in the world.

Just look at that face...

I'm freaking out about how freaking scary tarantulas are when... it hits me!  I'm like 200 times the size of a tarantula!  Sure, it had the element of surprise on it's side when it attacked, but now I that I know about it, I can totally take it!   So I sit up and think, "What the freak am I doing here, crying and acting like a coward?  It's just a stupid spider!!! This is ridiculous, I'm going to fight, and I'm going to win.  That thing can't have my bed, not even for one night!  I WILL go in there and I WILL finish this!!!"

...So they wouldn't be in the way? I don't know why I did that...

Spider-smashing champions

I played the violin as a kid, so the music stand's not as random as you think...

I stand there in the doorway all armored up and feeling like a total badass.  I see the crumpled heap of the bedspread I threw on the floor and know the tarantula is in there.  My plan is to unfold the bedspread a little bit at a time until I find the spider and then squash it with my massive shoes until it's dead.  I take a step forward, and using the music stand, I flip over a part of the bedspread.  I jump back and squeal, because I'm scared to death it'll actually be there.  But it wasn't, I should've known I wasn't going to find it on the first try.  I'm gonna to have to keep going.  Suddenly I'm not feeling like a tarantula-killing, freedom-fighting badass anymore, I'm feeling like an awkward dork in ugly shoes with my pants rolled up to my knees for no reason.

I freak out for a second, then remember this spider is just playing mind games with me and I need to stay focused.  I hesitantly reach forward and turn over another fold in the blanket.  Nothing.  I unfold another one, still no tarantula.  Man, this thing is good...I unfold the bedspread once more, and BOOM!!! There it is!  It comes running at me and I drop everything and stumble backwards out of shock.

I'm watching it come closer and closer and I'm scrambling to grab something, anything to stop it.  My hand finds a book and I hold it out at the oncoming tarantula, ready to strike, when suddenly, it stops.  It just stops running at me.  I take my chance and throw the book on top of it and stomp around on the book until I'm sure the creature is dead.  Then it gets really quiet.

Okay, keep in mind, this whole time I have not had my contacts in, I couldn't see a thing, and I had only assumed this thing in my bed was a tarantula.  I got down on my knees so I could get a good look at what I really killed.  I lifted the book and to my surprise...

...it wasn't a tarantula.  It wasn't even a creature!!!  You wanna know what it was?  Remember those old-school stereo headphones that were popular before earbuds were invented that looked like this?

My so-called "tarantula" was just one of the little soft black foam earpiece-covering things from my old pair of headphones.

I picked it up and sat back and all I could do was laugh about how insanely ridiculous I am for thinking it could kill me.  At least I can laugh at my own stupidity, right?  I laughed at myself for a little while, then got up, threw it away, crawled back into bed, and fell asleep smiling.  What an adventure.

Ladycramps

Sorry I haven't posted in forever...for a while it was Thanksgiving, and I couldn't find time to just sit and write anything, then it was study study cram time in preparation for finals, then it was finals week, then it was travel-home-time, and then this whole week I've looked like this:

Why do I look like I'm in the worst pain imaginable?  Because I am.  It's that time of the month (oh joy) and I get the WORST ladycramps!!! They make me want to die.  They're so bad I often get nauseous from the crippling pain that wracks my entire abdomen.  Did I mention they come in waves and are kind of unexpected?  Yeah.  I'll just be standing there, living my life, doing normal things, minding my own business, when WHAAMMMM!!! Chuck Norris is suddenly round-house kicking me in the uterus and I'm being crushed under a wave of mind-blowing, face-smashing, teeth-curling pain powerful enough to make the planet implode.  They'll stick around for about a half hour, die down, go away for a few minutes, and just when I think they might be over and I can get on with my life, BOOM!!!  There they are again, exactly the same as the last time. I'll say it again. THEY MAKE ME WANT TO DIE.

If you're a male, or one of the few lucky ladies out there that don't quite know what ladycramps feel like, let me enlighten you.  It kind of feels like you've been impregnated with a demon and it's trying to claw its way out of you. It's trying to get out, but no matter how hard it tries, the stupid little creature is trapped, so it's not like it can just get out, run away, and let you heal up or anything, NO.  It just keeps clawing at your insides until you die.  (Wow, just trying to describe how much it hurts makes me want to cry...)

When I was 11, I was told about this kind of stuff...I went to that fun little assembly just for girls in elementary school and the people that were talking about it made it sound like it wasn't so bad.  I thought, "Ok, so I'll probably feel some cramps, that doesn't sound too bad.  No biggie, I can totally handle that."  In fact, they kept saying it as an amazing experience and it was special.  They called it a gift.  Wait...rewind!  A GIFT????  Okay I agree, the ability to bear children is a marvelous super power, and I can't wait to actually be able to use it someday, but I wouldn't call the stupid side effects to that super power a gift.  That word makes it sound like it's a happy pleasant surprise that shows up out of nowhere.  

It makes you get all giddy and you want to run forward and open the box and soon as you get your hands on it!

But it's not a happy present!  If you open it, you unleash the most evil creature known to womankind...Ladycramps.

And it doesn't matter what do, I can't stop her.  No amount of painkillers, heat, or magnesium can defeat her. 

If I could just choose to not open the present when it came to me, believe me while I'm still unmarried, I would.  Seriously!  I'm not going to have any children now, or any time soon.  It would be so nice to be able to have that choice, you know? But, no, I don't get that choice.  And by opening that stupid "gift", all I'm doing is setting myself up for a week of uncontrollable urges to scream and cry and murder things. *Note: I don't actually murder anything, and I don't know if I really want to.  I'm just saying that's how Ladycramps makes me feel... 

Hooked

I wrote a love poem.  It's 4am and my creative juices are gushing!!!!

As you can see, my main streams of creativity flow from my liver and left armpit.

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Oh, from the first time I laid eyes you, I was intrigued.
What are you? What are you like?
Would we have chemistry?

It didn't take long for me to jump into our relationship with both feet.
They say only fools rush in, but I don't regret what we have.
I was hooked the second I gave you a chance.

From the first time I caught your intoxicating scent,
From the first time I tasted your sweet flavor,
I was hooked.

Love is but a biochemical reaction in our brains,
But I feel you in my veins, my bones, my soul
I can't help myself, I'm hooked on you.

But, you're a forbidden fruit...you do terrible things to my mind.
I know I should stay away, but I just can't.
I'm hooked.

It doesn't matter how long we are apart,
I can't stay away forever.
Our destinies will be forever entwined...we have been hooked to each other.

That's it.
You got me.
I'm hooked on your line and there's no going back.
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 Three guesses about who/what I'm talking about here :)  Comment below!!!

City Bus Adventures

I don't have a car.  I can't afford one because I also don't have a job.  If I did have a job, then it would be amazing because trying to find someone willing to pay you to do something in a college town in the middle of the school year is 99% impossible.  I would also be able to get a car...

Since I don't have a car, I'm forced to use the city buses to get around and I never fail to have at least one weird experience every time I ride.  Most of my adventures involve the Town Crazies who pretty much ride every bus at every hour of the day.  It doesn't matter if you're riding in the morning, afternoon, or night; the Crazies are everywhere. 

The one I see the most often is a really tall guy with messy brown hair and Crazy Eyes:

Riding the buses must be his thing or something, because he seriously does it all day every day.  I'm not kidding.  I have seen him every single time I've even set foot on a bus and I've watched him.  All he does is ride the buses and change routes every transfer.  And the only time he ever gets off the buses is at the Transit Center to get on another bus!

I let him use my phone once...it happened the first time I ever went to donate plasma.  I was just sitting there on the bus, waiting for the bus driver to get back so we could go when Crazy Eyes got on.  He was talking very loudly to his friend about how his mom was going to get them pizza because she's the best mom ever and loves to buy him pizza. (Not kidding, that's exactly what he said)   And then his friend was all:

And Crazy Eyes said:

I had literally just pulled out my phone to text my friend when Crazy Eyes walked up right behind me.  I look up at him and he's just staring at my phone with his crazy eyes and all I can think is, "Crap.  He's seen me, and my very obvious phone right here in my hands, and no one else on this whole bus is going to dare to pull out their phone to bail me out."

Great timing Chelsea, you big dummy

Then I just sit there for ten whole seconds arguing with myself about whether or not I should let him use my phone.  This was our conversation:

Nice Self:  "A nice person would let this man borrow their phone. Be a nice person."
Normal Self:  "But what if he takes it?"
Nice:  "He won't. Besides, he doesn't look like he can run fast anyway, you could catch him."
Normal:  "No, it's my phone and I'm not giving it to Crazy Eyes."
Nice:  "The scriptures say to give your substance to those in need."
Normal:  "Crap...I'm gonna have to do it now that you brought that up.  Thanks a lot, self."
Nice:  "Come on, take a leap of faith to do something nice for someone else.  It'll be okay."
Normal:  "Fine."

I think I developed my own set of crazy eyes while having this conversation with myself

Before I knew it, I was handing my phone over to him and he was sitting himself down right next to me.  He saw my college game day t-shirt and started this conversation about how I'm an Aggie Student, and I go to Aggie School.  (I wasn't really sure if he was holding this conversation with me or himself) I just sat there because I can't hold a conversation with anyone, much less a crazy dude who might steal my cell phone.  He dialed a number, held the phone up to his ear for 2.3 seconds, then hung up and said, "Never mind, my mom's magic and she'll just know to buy us pizza."

Then he gave the phone back and walked away like it was nothing.  I just sat there and wondered what the heck just happened.